Before

My life is very clearly demarcated by a before and its after. Most people’s lives aren’t like that, I’ve found. Most people’s before and afters are a smudgy business, blurry guesses containing many small events that lead a winding path from the land of before to the nightmare of after. My before is written in bold. It’s spelled out in fireworks. It’s a crack that spans my whole world.

I write this because I have to, because the weight of it hangs like an anchor around my neck. I know this won’t help. I know it doesn’t change anything but maybe I’ll sleep a little better. And I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in so many years. Maybe the people who read this will remember the missteps I took if their fates lie along a similar path to mine. If there was anything to pray to, I pray yours doesn’t. I wouldn’t wish my past on my worst enemy. Well actually I would. I would wish it on her. I’d wish what happened to me times a thousand over on her. I guess that makes me a monster but I already know that. And it’s good that you learn this now. It will help you not feel sorry for me when you read what’s coming.

Hello, my name is Derek and I’m a soulless murdering monster.

If this were a support group, it would be your line to say “Hello, Derek.”

But you wouldn’t want to know me without the safety of our computer screens to separate us. Enjoy the blog. I hope you don’t have too many nightmares. I know I still do. Ten years seems like a long time ago but nightmares have a way of staying fresh in the mind, don’t they?

-The Morland Prince

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